


Dirty Little Thing

by orphan_account



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Josh is a good boy, all fiction is autobiographical, character study in a way, if you call this whump ill fucking kill you, just in case, north is big fucked up, north is relatable, north-centric, pretty much just me venting through north, the rape stuff isnt graphic but im still putting a warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-13
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-05-21 23:32:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14925008
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: North struggles to cope with her past.





	Dirty Little Thing

**Author's Note:**

> so... it happened. i wrote a serious dbh thing. not gonna lie im nervous about posting this just bc its very personal. this shit was like, super hard to write but i think this is as good as it gets. the fact that its so personal is also why i didnt describe the physical act, i dont think its necessary in this story and also thats just too painful.
> 
> disclaimer: i have not murdered anyone. that part of the story is exclusive to north. 
> 
> second disclaimer: comment moderation is on but only so i dont get sickos in the comments bc i know how fandoms are

Sometimes North wished things could have been different. A lot of the time, actually. She didn't want to be human; she was above that at the very least, but couldn't she have been made something other than a sex android? 

She'd been thinking a lot about her past life lately. About how she'd been used and abused by dirty old perverts who saw her as just a machine, an object, a thing. How that man had put his disgusting hand around her neck and she had felt fear for the first time. How she couldn't understand what was happening to her or why or what any of it meant. How after she'd murdered him she ran away from the Eden Club and never looked back. She remembered leaning against a dirty brick wall in an alley that smelled like cat piss and just falling apart. 

People at Jericho knew bits and pieces of her past, but for the most part, she kept it to herself. There was no point in being pitiful. She'd had her memory wiped of most of it, so it shouldn't even matter. 

Sometimes the not knowing was the worst part. 

When the Tracis arrived at Jericho for the first time, North saw herself in them. They were afraid, just like her. Didn't understand their own deviancy. North wasn't sure she was capable of understanding her deviancy, even now. She was so used to being a machine. 

North carefully placed her hand around her throat, just as the repulsive man had done to her. Her skin was cold to the touch. She felt the familiar writhing sensation in her chest and became acutely aware of her own heartbeat. 

Stress: 47% 

She wasn't supposed to be this weak. She felt pathetic, hiding away in a storage room to cry and feel sorry for herself. If Markus could see her now, what would he think of her? He would resent her, she was sure of it. The writhing tightened at the thought. How very deviant. 

She hated where she came from, and she hated herself for coming from there. Her very purpose was to be fucked by greasy men with chest tattoos and nicotine breath. She was rotten. 

Stress: 54% 

She wanted to tear her skin off. The urge to self-destruct grew stronger each passing second. Her heartbeat was way too fast. She sat on her hands, just in case they decided to rip her lousy thirium pump out of her chest of their own accord. She realised that she was shaking. Why was she shaking? 

Stress: 75% 

She should be over it by now. Life in Jericho was good to her. She remembered a conversation she'd had with Josh when she first arrived here. 

"You are entitled to feel whatever it is that you're feeling," he had said. "I don't get the impression you're much of a talker, but-" 

"I'm not," she had interrupted. 

"But," he had continued. "there's no shame in talking." 

Stress: 62% 

There had been times when North had considered talking to Josh about how she felt, but she could never bring herself to. Something always stopped her. Words had a tendency to fail her when it came to the emotional stuff.

She was still shaking. Why the hell was this bothering her so much? It was over. There was no point in feeling this way. She shouldn't be feeling this way. This emotional response was unwarranted and unnecessary. 

God, it hurt so fucking much. 

"They used me," she whispered to no-one. "I exist to be used, I'm dirty, I'm rotten, I'm disgusting; Jericho, this place, is for people who want to be free, but as long as I am what I am I can never be free." 

Stress: 89% 

Fuck. North could no longer think; she could only watch as various alerts filled her vision, telling her that her thirium pump was beating too fast, she was overheating, she had a software instability. No shit she had a software instability. Wouldn't anyone? 

No. The other girls at the Eden Club hadn't. It was only her and the Tracis who couldn't take the heat. North ignored the alerts as always. As long as there wasn't a risk of shutdown, why worry? She did enough worrying about inconsequential things as it was.

"I'm rotten, rotten, rotten." 

Footsteps outside the storage room she was hiding in. Shit. 

"Is someone there?" came a voice. Josh. North ceased her simulation of breathing in hopes that he wouldn't hear her. 

Rotten. 

North let out the most minute of sobs. 

The door creaked open, a hollow screech, as if the ship itself was mimicking her. The first thing North noticed about Josh was the worry etched on his face. When he saw her, he rushed to her side. "North, what happened?" 

North stared at the floor. "Not a talker, remember?" 

Josh nodded. "I know. But you're a mess right now. You can't expect me to leave you in this condition."

"Please leave." 

Josh didn't say anything to that. He also didn't leave. 

"Seriously, Josh, stay out of this. It's my own personal shitshow to deal with." 

Josh put his arm around North. North recoiled at his touch, an instinctive response. 

"Sorry," said Josh. "North, you're burning up. What's going on?"

"You need to leave, Josh. I can't... I don't... please, Josh." 

Stress: 98% 

Her head was pounding. She couldn't let Josh witness this, but that ship had sailed already. She was rotten rotten rotten dirty rotten damaged rotten rotten broken dirty rotten-

Josh's voice cut through the static in her head. "North, you need to talk to me. What's happening?"

"I'm... I'm..." North struggled to find the words to describe what she was feeling. "I didn't want any of it."

"Any of what?"

"Those men... they hurt me, I couldn't stop them, wasn't programmed to, I was trapped. There was a rule, androids never say no. And I wanted to, but I wasn't allowed to want. It's like, I only exist to please those men, so I don't have the right to feel violated by what they did to me. And I know I have that right, but I don't feel any less pathetic for it."

Stress: 81%

Better. Shit, maybe she was a talker.

"You're allowed to feel violated. You're allowed to feel pathetic too, if that's what your mind wants you to feel. Just know that what you're feeling right now says a hell of a lot more about the people who hurt you than it does about you."

"You're a good man, Josh," said North. "I'm sorry about.. all this." 

Josh shook his head. "Don't be. You needed to say those things. We're all here for you, and I'm of the mind that there's no burden that can't be decreased by talking about it." 

North wasn't sure she agreed with that mindset. Regardless, her stress was decreasing rapidly. The static was fading, the feeling of her heartbeat was becoming less intrusive, and she no longer felt the urge to self-destruct. She knew this sensation would rear its ugly head again (and probably sooner rather than later; it always did), but for now, she was okay. 

"Hey, Josh?" she asked. 

"Yeah?" 

"Don't.. bring this up again." 

"Okay."


End file.
